What does a lover like me do?
I have caused so much trouble for you, lover.
I can’t begin to tell you everything.
You will rush to the Love Police and ask that I am sentenced to love death by firing squad.

But I want to go down this road.
I want to let you, my lover know that I love you.
I want you to believe that all the shit we have been through, all the times I have taken you for granted, were, well, me being stupid and silly and unworthy and hopeless, and thoughtless and all those bad things, and evil even.
The Christian sister who called me the Devil itself was very right.
I was the devil’s agent and did all that work for the devil.

No. The devil did not use me.
I am not a victim.
I did the shit myself.
Whatever that got me to do it matters not.
I accepted to do everything and so I could as well be responsible.

I am not claiming to have been angry.
I chose to be angry.
I could have controlled it.
No single person has ever died of indigestion because they swallowed their anger.
I did not try to swallow it.
And so I am the real shit in the situation.

And you believed in me.
In my goodness.
You stayed while I was being the shit no toilet can take.
You transcended all they say are human limits.
And evil me just went on and on being evil.

Till I was on the verge of the ultimate evil.
Of ending not just our relationship, but your life.
What was I thinking?
Whatever jackfruit that was in my brain is now gone.
I have said this before.
And you have believed me before.
I understand if you have no faith left.
I really do.
I know it’s crazy for me to think you can still love me.
But no bird ever lost it’s leg by aiming for the sky.

I feel there is no loss in reaching out.
I will be at peace, knowing that you know.
Even if you will un-know everything by the morning.
There is no sense in me dying with this knowledge of how I feel about you.

It is very wise of you, to avoid the mess and destruction I am capable of doing.
Not when you have gone through it anyway.
Now I begin to wonder what else is left in the world for me to do, now that I have said this?

I am unable to face my life, even if you want to try again.
I believe that I should not love you again.
However senseless.
I know it means nothing to say I won’t make your life harder if we return where we were.
Too much mess and destruction I do not deserve to try again.
Your goodness will be evil if you want us to try again.
I will go down with my shit.
And put my hands up.
And surrender.


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